


Another Brick in the Wall

by shellface



Series: For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic [5]
Category: VIXX
Genre: M/M, a smidgen of smut but not really, arguments because some people are having communication issues, hakyeon is interfering again, police au where not much policing is going on, sanghyuk finally appears!, so very very domestic, talking about adoption, theme of homophobia, they have a dog and it doesn't hate wonshik
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-20 10:47:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9487856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shellface/pseuds/shellface
Summary: Hongbin is happy to settle down - he loves Wonshik, and he knows Wonshik loves him. But kids are a step he is not sure he is ready to take, and when he finds out that Wonshik has been making moves in that direction, he is not pleased.Wonshik wouldn't really do something like this behind his back, would he?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoy it. :)
> 
> As usual, thanks to Buttercup for the plotting. <3

From the moment they got serious, it was abundantly obvious that children were high on Wonshik's list of priorities. It was something Hongbin had never really thought about, simply because he had never really viewed it as an option. He is not a fan of children in general; they are loud, often disrespectful, and have a habit of leaving huge messes everywhere. On the occasion they are fun, they usually then immediately throw up on you.

But Wonshik loves kids, and it is clear how good of a father he'd make.

“I'm not giving you an ultimatum,” he'd said, voice soft, and his hand stroking further down than Hongbin would have liked, in the current situation. It felt a little like coercion. “But I'd just like you to – consider it. I can live without kids. But I'd like them. With you,” he'd added, and Hongbin had groaned, because of course Wonshik knew that was his weakness.

“I'll think about it,” he'd promised, and as Wonshik had made good on the bedroom eyes, he had put it completely out of his mind.

But after, when his mind cleared and Wonshik was snoring softly beside him, he'd thought about it. Considered the pros and cons, worriedly calculated their shared income, and guiltily wondered if that meant he wouldn't get to play quite so many video games.

And then he'd put it from his mind, because, after all, Wonshik had only asked him to _consider_ it, and hadn't he done just that? Occasionally, it popped up into his mind, as a random, unexpected thought, but he was so busy trying to keep Hakyeon out of the wedding preparations that he hadn't really had time.

Then Hakyeon and his wife had to go and have a fucking baby, and Wonshik became so completely smitten that kids are all he can talk about. It doesn't matter that the baby doesn't seem to _like_ Wonshik that much, or that she has a tendency to screech in a manner alarmingly like her father, and then has to be passed back to either parent before she shits or pisses herself. She is adorable, and to Wonshik, that is that.

Hongbin cannot stop him ordering baby gifts online, or looking into adoption with a fervency that borders on obsession. At first, it had sort of been cute – now, it is unnerving. Wonshik actually had a fight with Taekwoon about who got to be the godfather – a fight that had then ended with _Hongbin_ being named godparent, simply to stop them arguing.

So here he is, standing in a drafty, echoy church, holding a baby like it's a bomb about to go off, and awkwardly reciting lines he neither believes in, or really understands. Hakyeon is watching him carefully, ready to swoop in should he show _any_ sign of being about to drop his precious baby girl, and it is all incredibly intimidating.

He is glad to hand her off as soon as he can, searching the church pews for Wonshik. He finds him a couple of rows back, filming everything with his phone, and he rolls his eyes. Wonshik – mature as ever – sticks his tongue out, and swings the phone around so that it focuses on him.

Deliberately, he turns away, facing the back of the church. He can feel Taekwoon's eyes burning jealous holes into his back, and once again, he wonders just _why_ Hakyeon thought this was a good idea. He's fairly sure that Hakyeon has plenty of friends who aren't Taekwoon or Wonshik who would have done a perfectly serviceable job.

Hakyeon is probably punishing him for something he doesn't realise he has done. He has a habit of doing that.

***

There is a party afterwards, held in some social club that Hakyeon knows the owners of. It's not really his scene – too full of children and people he doesn't know – but if they leave early, Hakyeon will notice. And he will make a big deal out of it for at least a month.

So they're staying. At the very least, there is a bar.

Wonshik wanders off after they collect their first drink to say hello to friends of his, and Hongbin is left to stand around awkwardly until he spots Sanghyuk in the corner. They exchange pleasantries for a moment, asking after mutual friends and family. Hongbin is just about to run out of safe topics, when Wonshik reappears.

He kisses him on the cheek, and holds out a hand for Sanghyuk to shake. The other man takes it, giving Hongbin a curious glance. “Hi, I'm Wonshik.”

“Sanghyuk.” He shakes his hand. “So...you two are together, I'm guessing?”

“The kiss wasn't enough of a clue?” Hongbin says dryly.

“Yeah, but it's not like you talk about your personal life much,” Sanghyuk laughs. He turns to Wonshik. “It's nice to meet you. I knew there was someone, but I didn't know the name.”

“Well, we are getting married,” Wonshik says uncomfortably, shooting Hongbin a look that says they will definitely be talking about this back home. He sighs.

“Oh, wow, congratulations!” Sanghyuk sounds genuinely pleased for him, which he is surprised at – not because Sanghyuk is particularly unkind – but more because he's getting married to a man. There is a reason he is reticent to talk about Wonshik at work, and it has nothing to do with being ashamed of him. “That's great!”

“Thanks,” Hongbin mutters, and Wonshik shoots him another annoyed look.

“Thank you,” he says, more enthusiastically. “So how do you two know each other?”

“We work together – well, kind of,” Sanghyuk explains. “I'm in another department, but we bump into each other, on and off.”

“Oh, right. What department are you in?” Wonshik asks politely, and Hongbin zones out as Sanghyuk explains his job, as succinctly as he can. It's not like he doesn't know what he does, and he would prefer to extricate himself from this situation as quickly as he can.

It's not that he doesn't _like_ Sanghyuk – he does. He's a good guy, and really quite funny. But they might have a...sexual history that he doesn't really want to go into, because it will only make Wonshik feel awkward.

He tunes back in, only to realise that the moment he is dreading has arrived. “Yeah, and we got, well – I don't think _close_ is the right word,” Sanghyuk laughs, “at a party when we just fresh out of the academy.” When he sees Wonshik's tight expression, he quickly adds, “Oh, it was nothing! We were both really, really drunk, and to be honest, neither one of us remembers what really happened.”

Wonshik swallows. “Yeah, we've all had those moments,” he says, but his voice is hollow. Hongbin feels his stomach drop.

Sanghyuk – perhaps sensing the awkward atmosphere – makes his excuses and leaves. Wonshik does not say anything for a moment, taking sips of his drink. “So...you know him, then?”

“Yes,” Hongbin says carefully. “We're friends.”

“Sounded like you were more than friends.” Wonshik's voice is all forced lightness. He bites his lip.

“We were young,” Hongbin sighs, “and very, very drunk. I don't even remember if we actually did anything. He's not even really gay – it was just some dumb experiment for him, if it was anything.”

“You could have warned me.” Wonshik downs the last of his drink. He refuses to look at him.

“When did I have time to do that?” He points out mildly, watching a group of women chatter excitedly in the corner. “You came over as I was in the middle of a conversation.”

“It feels like you never tell me – or anyone – anything,” Wonshik says mulishly. “For Christ's sakes, your co-workers don't even know you're getting married.”

“Oh, for god's sakes, Wonshik – we can't keep having this conversation! They don't know because they don't need to know. I love you, and I want to marry you, but I don't need to tell the entire world. I _can't_ tell the entire world. I have to be circumspect about this, you know that!”

“ _I_ want to tell the entire world,” Wonshik says quietly. “I want everyone to know you're mine.”

Hongbin sighs, and attempts to take a step back from the conversation before it becomes more heated than it needs to be. “I'm not a possession.” He gives Wonshik a tight smile. “And you know I'm...private. I like keeping our lives just for...us.”

Wonshik looks at him for a moment, before nodding. Hongbin feels the tension ease almost immediately. “I suppose so,” he agrees.

Cautiously – mindful of all of the strangers watching – he slides an arm around his waist and draws him close. Wonshik is stiff in his hold, unyielding, but he does not pull away. “You're kind of cute when you're jealous,” Hongbin whispers into his ear.

Wonshik rolls his eyes, but Hongbin can see that he's smiling.

***

Perhaps it is the several beers he has consumed that loosen his tongue, but he finds himself complaining – for probably the fifty-second time – about the dog he and Wonshik have recently acquired. “He takes her _everywhere_ ,” he says petulantly, aware that he is whining, and that it is not attractive. “When we went on holiday last month, he had Chanshik video call us every night so he could say goodnight to her. She's a fucking _dog_.” He sighs. “I mean, don't get me wrong – she's cute, and everything, and I don't want to get rid of her. But he's obsessed.”

Hakyeon nods, eyes still trained on his daughter, currently being passed from friend to friend. “You do know that dog is basically a baby substitute, right?” He asks conversationally, taking a sip of his drink.

“What?” Hongbin stops mid-sentence. “It's a dog, Hakyeon,” he says patiently, as if explaining something to a toddler. “Dogs aren't babies.”

“No, but Wonshik treats it like one,” Hakyeon points out. “I mean, he calls himself daddy and everything, right?”

Hongbin would love to disagree, but he really can't, and it is making him intensely uncomfortable. “Well, yes – ”

“You've reached that stage in your relationship where you want something to parent,” Hakyeon carries on, oblivious to the look on his face. “So you get a dog, or a cat. And then you have a baby.” He pauses, and gives him a look. “Except you two can't have a baby, obviously. So you'll have to adopt. Or maybe ask one of your female friends to have one for you. I heard that's a thing.”

Hongbin chokes on his drink. “We will not be doing that,” he says hastily, before Hakyeon gets any strange ideas, and starts suggesting people he knows. “We're fine. We don't need a baby.”

Hakyeon regards him thoughtfully for a moment. “But I thought you guys had already started filling out the applications?” He asks, after an uncomfortably long pause.

“What?” Hongbin has a feeling that he is not going to like what comes next. His stomach swoops uneasily in anticipation of Hakyeon's next words, and he shoots a worried glance at Wonshik, who is _still_ fighting with Taekwoon about who gets to hold the baby next.

“So...are you not looking to adopt?” Hakyeon's brows furrow when he sees the look of incomprehension on Hongbin's face. “I could have sworn Wonshik said something about asking me to be a reference.”

“He's not applying,” Hongbin brushes it off. “He's been looking into it, I know that. But he's not applying – we haven't even really talked about it.”

Hakyeon – for once in his life – is at a loss for words. “Oh.” He bites his lip, looking nervous. “Maybe that's it, then,” he says, unconvincingly. “He must have just been looking into it.”

***

Hakyeon's words refuse to leave his mind, so when they return home, he decides to ask Wonshik about it, if only to set his mind at ease. Wonshik is humming in the kitchen, folding the dog's ears between his fingers as she attacks her food.

She has an alarming propensity to eat as if she hasn't been fed in weeks, and the mess always has him twitching, but he tries to ignore it. “Let her eat,” he rolls his eyes. “She doesn't want you hanging around.”

“But she's so cute,” Wonshik says, as if that explains his behaviour. Her tail wags excitedly as he scratches her ear, and he coos at the sight. Hongbin stares at him.

“Please stop making that noise.”

“What noise?” Wonshik asks, looking shifty. He knows he made the noise, and he knows that he promised to stop being quite so disgustingly cute around her – but he can't. She is just too adorable.

Hongbin rolls his eyes again, but lets it go. He's been letting a lot of things go concerning the dog, recently – she started off sleeping in the living room, and yet now, she is sleeping on their bed, practically on the pillow. Then, it was the expensive food Wonshik started buying, because it's 'better' for her, and all of the toys he keeps purchasing because she 'wanted' them.

He learned long ago that Wonshik is very, very stubborn, and that saying no to him is almost an impossible task.

“Come on,” he says, “leave her alone. We should start dinner.”

Wonshik perks up at the mention of food, as he always does (not that they didn't eat their own weight in appetisers at the party). “Okay.” He stands up, still staring down at Jina fondly. “She's so cute,” he says, in what Hongbin can only describe as a very self-satisfied manner.

“Yes, she is,” he agrees, “now let her eat in peace.”

Wonshik manages to interrupt the dinner-making process several more times, by picking the dog up and doing various stupid things with her paws. First he gets her to wave at him, then he starts talking in a high-pitched voice, claiming to be her, and finally, starts calling him _daddy_.

This makes Hongbin uneasy for several reasons – not least of all that he has never, ever wanted to hear Wonshik call him that. He sighs, pushing his plate away. “Look, Wonshik, Hakyeon said something that...worried me.”

Wonshik looks up from his plate, one eyebrow raised. “Doesn't he always do that?”

Hongbin chuckles nervously, and decides to just ask. Beating about the bush won't help, and he needs to know Hakyeon has got it all wrong, if only to stop the uneasy churning in his gut. “He said you've started applying to adoption agencies. That's not true, right?”

He knows the second Wonshik looks away that it is, and his stomach drops. “What the hell, Wonshik?” He asks, anger causing his voice to rise. “You didn't even ask!”

Wonshik does not respond for a moment, and Hongbin can tell he is trying to come up with an explanation that won't piss him off. He stares at him, still reeling. “I – it's nothing big,” Wonshik says carefully. “It's just some exploratory stuff, basic applications to get it started – ”

“You mean you've actually started proceedings?” Hongbin asks in disbelief. “You have to get my permission to do that, Wonshik. This is unbelievable.”

“I haven't sent anything off!” Wonshik says, sounding so incredibly guilty that Hongbin knows he has deliberately been keeping it from him. “I just thought that – well, you know it takes forever to go through, so if I started now, when we were ready, it would all be easier.”

“You thought it would be easier – ” Hongbin shakes his head, the words fading. “Wonshik, we haven't ever even talked about this.” He says, voice hard. “We have never discussed children, not properly.”

“We've always said it was an option,” Wonshik argues, arms folded. “You know I want kids. You've _always_ known I want kids. I've never hidden that.”

“But I've never said I did!” Hongbin bursts out, and Wonshik actually looks hurt. “I might have said it was an option – not that I remember ever doing that, but if you said I did, maybe I did. But we have never sat down and discussed how it would work, or if it was something we both definitely wanted. You can't just look into adoption and assume that I'm ready, just because you are.”

“We're getting married. I figured that meant it was only the natural progression,” Wonshik says flatly. “But clearly, I was wrong.”

“We're gay!” Hongbin splutters. “How is it a natural progression? We can't _have_ kids naturally!” Bizarrely, Hakyeon's suggestion of impregnating some random female friend bubbles up in his mind, and he has a terrible urge to laugh. “If we want kids, we have to actually _talk_ about it, but clearly, you think that you can just walk all over me and have whatever you want.”

“That is not fair,” Wonshik says quietly, “and you know it's not.”

“How is it not fair?” Hongbin has an awful, reckless urge to say the things he shouldn't say, to let out his anger in a way that will hurt Wonshik in the way he is hurting right now. Wonshik _knows_ he can't stand being left out of things. He _knows_ that this will feel like a betrayal. He is so anxious, so scared of an argument that will tear them apart – but he can't let this go. He can't let Wonshik walk away, thinking this is okay. “You seem to think I'll just agree to whatever you want. Am I so pathetic to you?”

“I don't think you're pathetic, and you know that,” Wonshik says fiercely. “Stop trying to make this something it isn't. I understand that you're angry, but don't blame me for the fact you're impossible to read! I would never have done this if I genuinely thought you didn't want them.”

The defence is so weak, Hongbin scoffs. “Please,” he says, hating how callous and cold his voice sounds, but unable to stop himself. “You weren't thinking about me. You were thinking about you, and what _you_ wanted.”

Wonshik is almost on the verge of tears, but he refuses to look at him. “You're making me sound so selfish,” he whispers. “I didn't mean to – I never did this to hurt you. I just thought it was better to start now.”

“You should have asked,” Hongbin says tightly, through gritted teeth. “You should have included me. Or were you just planning to do this all by yourself? Was I just an afterthought?”

“For god's sakes, Hongbin,” Wonshik groans, passing a hand over his face. “Stop bringing your insecurities into this. This has nothing to do with me treating you like an afterthought. I made a mistake, and I am sorry, but – ”

“Don't you dare trivialise this,” Hongbin pushes his chair back, and stands up. “Don't make me feel like I'm not allowed to be angry. Don't you dare.”

“I never said you're not allowed to be angry,” Wonshik says, staring up at him defiantly. “Of course you are. But for Christ's sakes, Hongbin, it's not like I fucking cheated on you, or something!”

Hongbin looks so furious for a moment, his mouth half open, that Wonshik feels like cowering. “This is one of the most important things we could ever do, and you went behind my back and just – _decided_ for me. You don't get to decide things for me. We decide things _together._ ”

Wonshik doesn't know what to say, and Hongbin stares at him for a moment, chest rising and falling. “You know what,” Hongbin says, voice viciously quiet, “I can't do this. I can't be here. I'm going. You do what you like.”

All he can do is watch as Hongbin storms out, too stunned by how quickly the argument came on to stop him.

***

Wonshik curls up underneath the duvet, his face pressed into Hongbin's side of the bed as the tears trickle down his cheeks. Jina pants happily next to him, and he curls his fingers into her fur, chest heaving with the force of his sobs.

He can't believe this. He can't believe that he actually thought Hongbin would be okay with this, can't believe that Hongbin has actually walked away without a word. It's pathetic, but he misses him already.

He's called him ten times, and each time, the phone has just gone to voicemail. He assumes he's turned it off, but the idea of him deliberately ignoring his call hurts more than anything. They don't argue. They don't do this.

But here they are, sleeping apart for the first time in years, and he's crying so hard he can't breathe. He wants to call someone – anyone – but he knows they'll just tell him that what he did was wrong, yes, but Hongbin will calm down and come home.

He knows that's true. He knows that their relationship is strong enough to withstand an argument like this. But right now, alone in their bed with nobody but the dog for company, he can't help but panic that he has well and truly fucked up.

It doesn't help that he is slightly drunk from earlier, the alcohol coursing through his system making him even more sensitive. When he said Hongbin was hard to read, he meant it. No, he shouldn't have just assumed he would be okay with it – and he is self-aware enough to realise he was doing it for his own reasons. Maybe he did even think Hongbin would just go with it, because he loves him.

But Hongbin is so impossible sometimes, so prickly and locked within himself, that it is often hard to broach subjects like this, especially when he doesn't have a particularly happy family life. He is always afraid of triggering a bad mood, and though they do talk about the things that matter, he wants this so much he was...too scared to bring it up.

It's pathetic, and not a good habit to have, but when he really wants something, he makes light of it. And usually, Hongbin is good at seeing through that, at pushing him to be honest with him, but perhaps it _is_ to early to be talking about kids.

It would just be nice if – for _once –_ Hongbin was obvious with how he felt. He knows he can't exactly spread it around the office, but it hurts that he doesn't even talk about the fact they're getting married. He knows it's not a real marriage – not legally, anyway – but it _means_ something to him. It's a form of commitment he's always wanted.

***

As soon as Hongbin appears at the door, red-eyed and empty handed, Hakyeon sighs. “What did you do this time?” He asks, standing aside to let him in. “Try not to be too loud; we've only just put the baby to bed.”

“It wasn't me,” Hongbin sniffs, wiping his nose off with the back of his hand. “Though I guess I didn't help.” The drive over has given him time to cool down, and he's already regretting blowing up like that.

He doesn't like losing his temper. It scares him.

“So who was it, then?” Hakyeon gives him a sceptical look, arms folded. “Wonshik's a puppy. He's not capable of doing mean things.”

Hongbin snorts. “You were right,” he says dully. “He has been getting us started with adopting.”

“Oh,” Hakyeon brightens, “well – ”

“...without my permission,” Hongbin finishes. Hakyeon blinks.

“Oh,” he repeats, much less enthusiastically. “Well, that's not good,” he deflates.

“No,” Hongbin says, “it's not.”

In all honesty, Hakyeon was not his first choice. Though he is fond of the other man, and thinks of him as a good friend, he would far rather be at Chanshik's place. Chanshik would listen to him in silence, nod, tell him he's an idiot, and then offer to play Overwatch with him until he felt better.

But Chanshik is on some ridiculously romantic cruise with Jinyoung, and they're not due back for at least a week, so Hakyeon is his only option. Taekwoon would not understand, and though they are definitely good friends, they do not have the kind of relationship where you can talk about these things.

“Look,” Hakyeon says eventually, “when Hyewon told me she was pregnant, I was terrified.”

Hongbin gives him an unamused look. “You were not terrified. You were ecstatic. You called Wonshik and told him to put you on speakerphone so you could scream your happiness.”

“Well – yes,” Hakyeon admits, eyes shifty. “That is true. But I was also terrified,” he adds, “because it _is_ scary, having a child. And you're right – it's better to be ready. I really understand why you're angry he did it without consulting you. But look at it this way – he's so sure of your relationship, he wants to commit to you even further by having a _child_. That's not a small thing.”

***

Hongbin cannot sleep. It is three in the morning, he has work in just a few hours – and every time he shuts his eyes, something wakes him up. If it's not the heavy, leaden feeling in his chest, it's his whirring thoughts. If his brain finally, _finally_ shuts down, he's rolled into a colder part of the bed, and it has woken him up.

He's not used to sleeping alone. He's used to Wonshik being an over-warm bed-hog, used to his soft snoring soothing him to sleep. He's used to the bed feeling too small because they're both too tall for it, used to accidentally rolling onto Wonshik's side and smelling his aftershave.

He's used to Wonshik always _being_ there.

It's a weird thing to feel. Before Wonshik, he actually preferred sleeping alone, but it's been years since they spent more than a few days apart. Wonshik is a constant, calming presence in his life. He's his boyfriend, yes – but he's more than that. He's his best friend, too, but when it comes to things that concern their relationship, he struggles to verbalise his feelings.

He knows it was stupid to blow up at him like that, but he also knows he has a right to be angry. It wasn't okay for Wonshik to start proceedings without telling him. It just wasn't. But he also should have been more explicit about his feelings – and he never is.

It's just hard. Wonshik is so dedicated to his family, so sure of their love, that it is almost impossible to explain his fractured family to him. He is sure his parents love him, in their own distant, faintly neglectful way. He knows his sisters care about him too, even if they resent his unique position in their family.

But it's not enough. It's never been enough. The only person he has ever been sure of is his grandmother – and even then, there were times she simply could not be there. To have Wonshik – the one person he depends on to always, _always_ understand – do something behind his back is like having the rug pulled out from underneath him. Suddenly, he feels insecure and unsafe, as if his life is all a lie, and their happiness an illusion.

He is being ridiculous, he knows. He is overreacting, just a little. But he is also scared: what if this is the one thing they cannot overcome, the one thing Wonshik will not bend on? Their relationship as it is is full of compromise: they cannot make their happiness as public as they would like, or even really get married. The home they share is in Wonshik's name, not theirs, and their time together is always dominated by the fact that he's usually on call.

Though it's stupid – though Wonshik has never, ever given him any reason to believe he is not happy – he always feels as if he's one mistake away from failure. That if he says, or does the wrong thing, Wonshik will leave.

He can't bear the idea of Wonshik leaving. If he's honest, it's the thing that scares him the most. His life before Wonshik was okay – but everything with him is just better. They argue – of course they do – and sometimes, Wonshik might annoy him, but that's normal. He'd be worried if they were perfect. He doesn't want perfect.

He just wants them to be happy. And he thought they were – but clearly it's not enough, if Wonshik is trying to do things behind his back.

Hakyeon – after he'd accused him of causing the fight – very reasonably suggested that it didn't mean their relationship was in trouble, not at all. He said that perhaps it meant that they were moving forward, that having children was a sign of further commitment, and that he should see it that way.

But how can he, when Wonshik didn't even ask him?

He shifts onto his back, staring at the ceiling, willing the tears to go away. It's useless. His body has never listened to him, so why would it start now? He wipes them away angrily. He doesn't want to cry. He _doesn't._ He just wants to sleep, but it is becoming apparent that that is not going to happen tonight.

The distant cries of the baby start up, somewhere in the vicinity of Hakyeon and his wife's bedroom, and he burrows under the blanket, trying to dampen the noise. It is no good; the walls are paper-thin, and he can hear everything, as the baby progresses to a full-throated roar, and someone's voice – he's pretty sure it's Hakyeon's – attempts to soothe her.

Gradually, the cries quiet down to whimpers, until all he can hear is the soft creak of what he thinks is a rocking chair. His heart thuds, a helpless feeling in his chest.

How the _hell_ is he supposed to parent? He knows nothing about babies, and even less about children. The idea of changing nappies is abhorrent to him, and though Jinhee is cute, in a scrunched up, tiny-human kind of a way, he doesn't think she's as adorable as everyone else seems to.

What if he's broken? What if he just can't deal with children, and Wonshik only finds that out once they have a child? He can't bear the idea of failing their little boy or girl, even if it is messy, and loud, and in need of more care than he thinks he is capable of providing.

It's not as if he has the best example of parenting to look up to. His grandmother did most of the work, and he spent most of his childhood running around a temple. It wasn't idyllic, and it wasn't even fun – most of the time, he just remembers wondering why his parents weren't there, and just what, exactly, he had done wrong.

It took years to realise that it really had nothing to do with him as a person, and everything to do with the circumstances his parents found themselves in, but it still doesn't stop it hurting. It doesn't stop him always, always wondering why he's not good enough. He keeps so much of himself hidden, holds himself back so much, that he is afraid he could never quite bond with a child, no matter how much he wants to.

Sometimes it feels like Wonshik is the only one who really knows him, and even then – he's not sure he knows everything. Because if he did, why would he do this?

***

Hongbin wakes up to hear Hakyeon and his wife in the middle of a rather loud conversation. “What do I _do_?” Hakyeon is whining. He sounds very much like a toddler. “If they break up, who do I choose? I like both of them equally, and I've known them pretty much the same amount of time. I think.”

Hyewon sighs, something Hongbin assumes she must do a lot of, living with Hakyeon. “You are being completely ridiculous,” she tells him, and blearily, Hongbin finds himself agreeing. He's not too sure what Hakyeon is talking about, but it is one of his general rules of life that Hakyeon is being ridiculous. “They're not going to break up. They've had a fight – it's not like we don't do that, is it?”

Hakyeon huffs, and Hongbin's brain begins functioning. Fight? Oh. Right. Wonshik. The fight. Storming out and running off to Hakyeon's.

He feels his cheeks flush. It's such a childish thing to do, to run off to a friend's after a fight. It's not a trait he's proud of, he just...couldn't stay there, not with all of the thoughts rushing through his head.

“We don't fight...much,” Hakyeon claims, and Hongbin snorts. He knows that's a lie. Hakyeon and Hyewon have at least one blowout fight every two months, almost like clockwork. They spend a day giving each other the cold shoulder, then have fantastically energetic makeup sex, and spend the next week being grossly cute with one another. He's fairly sure that's how their daughter was conceived – something he does _not_ want to think about.

“Oh yeah, we never fight,” Hyewon says sarcastically. “You don't go on cake dates with Taekwoon to avoid me when you've pissed me off. That's not a thing we do.”

“Shh,” Hakyeon says childishly. Hongbin is imagining that he is holding a finger up to his mouth. “You'll wake the baby.”

Hyewon splutters. “ _I'll_ wake the baby? I'm not the one who speaks in ear-shattering decibels.”

This is when he decides to tune out, the crushing anxiety that Wonshik is furious with him and that he will not be able to go home already taking over. He curls up in the bed, his stomach clenching with worry.

He has to go home. He can't stay here another night – it would be counter-intuitive to stay away any longer; it would only make it harder to come back. And it wouldn't be fair to Wonshik – no matter how angry with each other they get, they always make sure that they know where the other is.

Jinhee wails from the other room, and all of a sudden, the conversation ceases as both parents run to comfort their child. He curls up even tighter. No – he can't stay here, surrounded by the trappings of the happy family Wonshik wants them to be.

It'll only make him feel even crappier.

***

Wonshik finds Hongbin sitting at their kitchen counter, poring over some gaming magazine with a cup of tea in his hand. His heart leaps into his throat, and he feels a sense of relief so powerful, it is actually physical.

“You're home,” he says, aware he sounds pathetically glad.

Hongbin looks up, a tiny frown between his eyebrows. “Yes.” He eyes the clock on the wall behind him. “You're home late,” he informs him, as he swivels around on his stool to face him properly. His legs are crossed, and though he is just wearing a sweatshirt and jeans, Wonshik doesn't think he has ever looked more handsome.

He's home. And that's all he needs.

“I...got caught up in things.” He swallows, not ready to admit he stayed in the studio much longer than he had to because he was afraid of coming back to an empty home.

“Ah,” Hongbin nods absently. “Where's the dog?” He asks a beat later, suddenly noticing that she is not weaving excited circles around Wonshik's feet.

“At the groomers,” he responds quickly. “I was going to get some dinner, and then pick her up.”

“Oh, right,” Hongbin nods again. He looks down, and Wonshik knows he is trying to formulate a response that is not quite so stilted. It is always like this, when they fight: they're both so afraid of shouting again, that they don't really say anything.

He hates it, but Hongbin is a little like a wild animal. If you startle him, he retreats back into himself, and it takes a long time to coax him back out.

Hongbin clears his throat. “I, uh, haven't eaten either.” Wonshik's heart gives a thud, because he suspects it was because he was waiting for him to come home. The thought makes him feel ridiculously happy. “Do you want to order in?”

“Yes.” He accepts the offered olive branch gratefully, suddenly feeling incredibly hungry.

***

And that's how they find themselves making out on the sofa, the discarded takeout cartons scattered on the coffee table, and some dumb reality show they only watch to make sarcastic comments about on in the background. It is a familiar situation, and not one Wonshik is unhappy about – especially when Hongbin's hand somehow finds its way under his jeans – but he does wonder if this is what they should be doing right now.

It takes some effort to pull away, but he does, breathing heavily. Hongbin gives him a strange look, straddling him awkwardly. “What is it?” He asks, looking put out. Wonshik can feel his hard-on against his thigh, and he shakes his head to try and clear his head.

“Shouldn't we be...talking?” He says hesitantly.

Hongbin looks away guiltily, looking a little bit like a naughty little boy caught stealing. “Probably,” he admits, “but you can't get me started and just leave me hanging.”

He gives him a pleading look, and Wonshik can't help but laugh. “It's your own fault for using a distraction technique that didn't work,” he says reprovingly, but leans up to kiss him anyway.

Hongbin's mouth lingers against his, teasing and hungry all at once. His hand sneaks back into his boxers, and this time, he does not stop him. He doesn't think he could, even if he wanted to, and when his fingers wrap around him, his hips jerk up automatically in response.

“Don't toy with me,” he warns gently, and Hongbin grins at him.

“I won't,” he promises, in a voice that tells Wonshik he's going to do the complete opposite.

***

Wonshik cannot honestly say how he ended up riding his boyfriend into the sofa, but he's not sure he cares, as he lifts himself up, only to slide right back down.

Hongbin pants, making a breathy, frustrated little sound. “You're such a tease,” he manages, his fingers gripping Wonshik's.

“Payback,” Wonshik breathes back, as he stills his hips, forcing Hongbin to lie still. Hongbin jerks his hips up, attempting to resume what they are doing, but Wonshik refuses to move, keeping him inside of him.

Hongbin groans, throwing his head back, and Wonshik relishes the sight of him, tense and desperate underneath him. “You are an asshole,” he grinds out, thighs trembling.

“Love you too,” he grins, and rolls his hips, Hongbin's rising in response. Before he can stop it, Hongbin is thrusting into him, hard, and he hisses as he brushes against his prostate. Hongbin leans up, their legs tangling as he flips him, his back against the sofa.

He rests their joined hands against the arm of the sofa, snapping his hips at a pace that has Wonshik moaning incoherent words that could be absolutely anything.

***

“So, now you're finished distracting me,” Wonshik says, as Hongbin leans against his chest, his feet resting on the arm of the sofa, “are we actually going to talk?” He kisses the crown of Hongbin's head, his hair in complete disarray.

Hongbin chuckles indulgently. “I guess it didn't work, huh?” He asks drowsily, refusing to let go of Wonshik's hand.

“Well, considering last night we were screaming at each other, this really is a bit of a turnaround.”

“Mhm,” Hongbin murmurs, his eyes closing. He is so warm, and comfortable, and sated, that it would be all too easy to fall asleep against Wonshik like this. _This is what you were missing last night_ , his brain is telling him, _take advantage!_

“Hongbin,” Wonshik nudges him gently with his chest, “come on.”

He blinks himself awake. “Okay, okay,” he sits up, rubbing at his eyes. “Talking. Yes.”

Wonshik takes a deep breath. “I shouldn't have started looking into actually adopting without you,” he admits, shamefaced, “it was wrong, and I _knew_ it was wrong, I just guess I got caught up in it and I – I don't know.” He sighs. “I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was just thinking this is our only chance to have children, and to get started now.”

“But you've never actually asked if I really _wanted_ children,” Hongbin says quietly. “You mentioned it, and I said I'd think about it. And I have. But you – you didn't check. You just...assumed.”

“You don't want kids?” Wonshik looks at him, his face dropping. He looks away.

“I...I didn't say that,” he hedges. “I just...I don't know. I'm not ready yet. We don't even have a house big enough, or any experience, or – anything.” He shrugs helplessly. “I don't know anything about children, Wonshik. I don't know any, and to be honest, they terrify me.”

“It's new to me too,” Wonshik says. “I'm no expert. I just – I want kids.” Hongbin can hear the longing in his voice, and his heart quavers. “And I want them with you.”

“We might not get them,” Hongbin warns. “They could refuse us.”

“I at least want to try.” Wonshik stares as Hongbin twists to face him, sitting cross-legged on the sofa. “Even if they say no, I want to try.”

“Even if I don't want them?”

Wonshik's face falls again, the hope dimming in his eyes. “Not if you don't want them,” he looks at their hands, still joined in his lap. “I – I wouldn't _force_ you into this.”

“You almost did,” Hongbin says, an edge to his voice.

Wonshik's cheeks flush. “I know,” he mumbles. “And I am sorry.”

Hongbin sighs. “I'm not saying no.” Wonshik looks up, hopeful. “But I'm not saying yes, either,” he warns, and Wonshik looks down again, shoulders slumping. “Hey,” he says gently, reaching out to cup Wonshik's cheek. “It's not a no, not when I can see how much you want this. I'm just not ready. I need to feel ready.”

Wonshik leaves to collect the dog, after catching sight of the time and swearing about being impossibly late. Hongbin takes the chance to start on the laundry, and tackle the washing up in the sink. He is exhausted – but relieved. The tight knot in his chest has loosened, and he knows tonight, he will be able to sleep, knowing Wonshik is there, next to him.

He is wiping the kitchen surface down when Wonshik returns, an excitable puppy wriggling in his arms. He sets her down, and she makes a beeline for Hongbin, barking happily. He bends down to scratch her floppy ears, and she stands on her back paws, resting her front paws on his knee.

“Somebody missed me,” he says wryly, and Wonshik snorts, hanging his coat up by the door.

“She wasn't the only one,” he tells him, and Hongbin looks up, smiling shyly.

“I missed you too,” he says, still scratching Jina's ears. She pants happily in response, tongue hanging out of her mouth. “I regretted leaving almost as soon as I was out of the door, but, well, you know me.” He sighs at his own stupidity. “Once I commit to something, I have to see it all the way through.”

***

A month later, and they are standing in the sterile kitchen of an empty home. “What do you think?” Wonshik asks. He's trying to be upbeat, cheerful – as if it doesn't really matter where they live – but Hongbin can hear the nervousness in his voice. He _really_ wants this house.

He's been checking it out online constantly, scrolling through the endless photos, and Hongbin is fairly sure he has a secret Pinterest of home furnishings for it. But it has to be _both_ of their choice, and Wonshik knows that.

“Well, it's certainly something.” Hongbin swallows, looking around the room. It's pretty much perfect: light, airy, with beautiful windows and three bedrooms, a kitchen full of storage and three bathrooms. The master bedroom even has an ensuite.

“We can afford it,” Wonshik reminds him, twisting his fingers anxiously. “I did all of the maths. We have our down payment, and it's been on the market for ages, so they'll probably take a lower offer.”

Hongbin turns and smiles at him, fingers trailing against the marble countertop. “It even has a kitchen island.” Wonshik's eyes light up with hope. “It's exactly what you want, isn't it?” He asks gently.

Wonshik nods furiously. “But it has to be what you want, too. It's _our_ home,” he says firmly. “I'm not living somewhere that doesn't make you comfortable, and if the price puts you off, we can look elsewhere – ”

He laughs, shaking his head. “I like it,” he promises, “I do, really.” He takes another look. “I'm just not used to living somewhere so...nice.”

“It has three bedrooms,” Wonshik points out, voice quiet. “So we could maybe have more than one kid.”

Hongbin gives him a look. “I haven't completely agreed to one, yet,” he reminds him teasingly. Wonshik rolls his eyes, because he knows he has – he just doesn't like giving in.

“We deserve this place, Hongbin.” Wonshik moves closer to him, wrapping both arms around him from behind. Hongbin remains still in his hold, but does not push him away. “I know it feels weird. I know we're not used to places that look so nice, or a neighbourhood so full of trees,” – Hongbin has to laugh at that – “but I think we could fit here. We could make it ours.”

“It is a bit blank and scary at the moment,” Hongbin agrees, turning his head to kiss Wonshik on the cheek. “It's more than we were expecting, though. I'd like to pay a little less, but for a place like this – it's worth it.”

“Is that a yes?” Hongbin can practically hear Wonshik's heart beating double time.

He pulls himself out of his arms, so that he can face him. He takes a hold of both of his hands, grinning cheekily at him. He has to admit, he's kind of enjoying the tension. “It's a yes.”

Wonshik kisses him, grabbing him with so much force that they stumble against the cupboards. Hongbin laughs into the kiss, cradling his face with both hands.


End file.
